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Bi Lines
Don't Mess With the Bisexuals?
This column appeared in Siren: irresistibly tempting for queer women, Sex Issue, vol. 7 issue 4 (October/November 2002), page 9.
Dan Savage once suggested that gays shouldn't "mess around with bisexuals." In response, a lot of us wrote angry letters. But Dan's response got me thinking. Here's what he said:
"Jesus Christ, bisexuals -- if straights and gays treat you unfairly, then why not turn to each other for love and comfort? Judging from my mail of late, there's an unlimited supply of easily offended, extremely verbose, highly ethical bisexuals out there looking for love. Fuck each other!"
At first I was offended. Then I was intrigued. Why hasn't this come forward for me as an option? Sure, I did sometimes have sex with other bisexuals, but it never seemed to be a political choice in the same way that sex with lesbians was. After deep reflection I came up with three reasons why. These are just my reasons, but I offer them as a conversation starter.
Margaret's Reasons For Wanting To Have Sex With Lesbians
1. Lesbians are (supposedly) easier to find.
The general rule for coming out as lesbian is that you make some kind of effort to "look queer." This is easy for some women, especially those who either never managed to pull off looking straight in the first place. Also, lesbians have (or used to have) bars, cafes and bookstores where you could find other lesbians. By contrast, bisexual women don't have our own bars or co-ops, and we tend to be mistaken for lesbians or straights. When we do meet, it's at conferences or support group meetings, which have really un-sexy lighting.
2. Lesbian sex is cool and transgressive.
The lesbian sex wars were over by the time I came out. Lesbians were now buying dildos, going to BDSM seminars, and wearing body-hugging latex outfits. This was forbidden and exciting. By contrast, bisexuality hadn't had a sex-negative period against which to rebel. Feminine bi women were coveted by the mainstream, provided we served the needs and fantasies of straight men. Bisexuality became thought of as very commercial, and very suburban. Any time bisexuals were portrayed as sexy or liberated, we also tended to be killing people with ice picks. While lesbianism was declared political, subversive and transgressive, bisexuality was called "trendy" or "chic." In addition, "lesbian" sex was portrayed as safe and disease free, while bisexuality was compared with licking the floor of a public restroom.
3. I want to be accepted.
It's all about winning the love of that distance parental figure that is The Lesbian Community. If you're good enough, smart enough, do enough hours of volunteer work, etc. you're supposed to get this legendary thing called "acceptance." Sex with lesbians is the physical expression of this community acceptance. It's a big wet way of saying, "We like you! We really like you!"
My reasons for wanting to have sex with lesbians particularly are all pretty shallow, and most emerge from low self-esteem. The good news is that bisexuality is becoming more visible, more political, and more supportive as a community. The fact that I seem to know so many sexy bi activists seems to back up my theory (albeit in a totally subjective and non-scientific way). Even as bisexuals are creating our own political and social communities, lesbian culture seems to be getting seduced by consumerism of the suburban minivan variety. In comparison to the radical political work of trans and bi activists, the mainstreaming of lesbianism looks positively stodgy.
Of course the scary part about sexing it up with other bisexuals is that we might "ruin the friendship," as it were. But the idea that sex is somehow antithetical to political activism and community building is what got some lesbians into the sex wars in the first place. I say we take Dan's advice and start "messing around" with ourselves. See you at the revolution. I'll be the one in the latex catsuit.
Dan Savage advises, "Don't mess around with bisexuals" can be found in The Stranger l9, no.11 (Dec2-Dec8 1999). Available online at http://www.thestranger.com/1999-12-02/savage.html
Dan Savage's suggestion that we fuck one another can be found in The Stranger 19, no.14 (Dec 23-29 1999). Available online at http://www.thestranger.com/1999-12-23/savage.html
